Windows into my Heart

Often when I leave Gus at home with a babysitter it is because I am heading back to work. I am fortunate enough to live close to where I work. I live (literally) across the street. So close that I can see the building my office is in while I am sitting on my couch. There are a lot of benefits to this, the greatest one being that I walk to work each day and have for the past 16 years.

When I leave my door, there are five windows wrapping around the house facing the driveway and sidewalk. Gus has a ritual when I leave, it starts with a hug. Followed by "another hug". (And if I am lucky, a third.) Recently, Gus wants to watch me leave, and he waves to me from each of those five windows. He runs from window to window to wave and say, "Bye, Daddy!" There is something special in this moment, at each of these five windows, in these 30 seconds, that edifies him and warms my heart. It is these moments that I want to remember. It is these moments that are incredibly warm and special. It is these moments I cherish.

Nap Time

Napping. I always think that this will be a great time to get organized, get things done (cleaning, laundry, etc.) and have some time to myself while the little guy rests and re-energizes. While this is somewhat true, it is also unpredictable.  In other words, I can't count on it.

I wish it was because he was an unpredictable sleeper, or that it took him a long time to fall asleep, or that he was a light sleeper and sounds wake him. The issue is, really, that when he naps, I also want to nap a bit. And thus, my two to three hours of productive cleaning the house time dwindles down to a few minutes of games on my phone, a few minutes of watching some TV, and a whole lot of napping. When I had Gus, everyone always said sleep when he sleeps; I took that to heart. Three years in, I am apparently still doing it.

Taking a Break from Gus

I have friends who often say that they need a break from their kids. While I say that parenting is 90% good, sometimes that 10% can really get under your skin. It is usually nothing that my 20 month old son has done or is doing, it is usually more about my patience level at that particular moment. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier. At these hard moments, I try to take a deep breath,bite my tongue, and laugh. I try. I wish I was always successful.

The fact is, I like being with Gus. I like it a lot. I like when he works to figure something out. I like when he knocks over the blocks I piled up. I like his determination when he wants something. I like how he loves to play in the water. I like when he smiles. I like when he laughs.

I may have been guilty once or twice of wanting a break, but overall, I like having him around. I feel guilty when he has to spend additional time with a babysitter. So this past weekend, when he needed a babysitter for a late night chaperoning followed by an early morning run, I was happy my parents were willing to keep him overnight. On Saturday, I had about 45 minutes to myself in between two different events. All I could think about was how quiet, how empty, how lonely it felt at my house without Gus. I will take a break from work, a break from television, a break from doing laundry. But I won't take a break from Gus.

The Best Water

Gus loves water. 

Whether it is a pool, a hose, a water table, or the sink, he can't get enough. He just loves to play with water. When he is outside he heads to the water table to splash and play. If the hose is out, he is ready to spray the hose at anything (or anyone!) he can. He really does love to play in the water. While initially this summer he was a bit reticent to try getting in and was a bit nervous; taking it slow, he has learned to love everything about the pool.

Any opportunity to play with water makes Gus smile and laugh and sometimes squeal with joy. It is so great to see him so outwardly and openly happy, even if it is just taking a bath. While he will be happy to jump in the pool, put his face in the water, or spray himself with a hose, he hates having his hair washed. To be fair, it's not the washing of his hair he minds so much, but more about water being poured over his head. This also makes him squeal, but not with joy. It makes keeping him clean tough sometimes!

Of all the water that Gus has access to, it is that water he can't play in that continues to prove to pique his interest the most. The Toilet. It's my fault really, I showed him how to flush, and that is the intrigue that has held his interest.  He seeks it out whenever he can sneak access. He knows that the key to keeping his opportunity alive is to keep quiet. There's no squealing or laughter when he finds access to that great white bowl with the magic button. Apparently, much like our dog, Rip, Gus feels toilet water is the best water.  

An Advisee Visit

Gus had his first visitor today.  Phon came by to say hello and to meet Gus!  We even got a picture of the two of them together.  Phon’s parents took us to lunch and we spent a couple of hours together.  What a great family!

(Written on Nov 30)

An Emotional Homecoming

(Today was the day.  Gus came home from the hospital.

The nurses at the hospital are great. The teach you and hover about you to make sure you know what you are doing.  Today, they taught me how to give Gus a bath.  Or at least tried.  I am not sure I am as adept with bathing my son as I would like, but I am sure that I will have years of practice. Wash the hair, clean the ears, the nose, the stump, oil up the body, keep him warm.  They were trying to teach me “the technique.”  If nothing else, I got some info and we all got a good laugh.

Before we left the hospital, Gus was able to meet Nad for the first time.  Since he was born on Wednesday, Nad hasn’t been able to see him.  I had shown her pictures, and I think we both wanted her to meet him.  It was a short, but important moment for me.  It was Nad’s discharge day too and she had her kids there.  We took some pictures and shared a moment or two and then it was time to go. 

The responsibility I felt leaving the hospital was overwhelming.  Today, it was real.  Today, I am no longer on my own.  Today, I felt responsibility far greater than imagined. Gus and I are a family.  We will face the world together.

(written on Nov 29)

To Have and Not to Hold

When babies are born in Thailand (all babies) they are quickly placed in an incubator and whisked away to a nursery area.  The parents get a minute or two with the child while in the incubator and then only through a couple of panes of glass for the first day.  I got to see Gus through the glass, but sadly wasn’t able to hold him or touch him. 

Day two of life, babies are able to be held and fed (only twice) by their parents.  These restrictions are to help prevent germs and disease from getting to the babies.  So I dutifully went to the hospital yesterday to do my two feedings.  11:00 and 2:00.  That is all you get! About 30 minutes each.  Today was the same:  two feedings (11:00 and 2:00).

I appreciate the care for my son.  I appreciate the concern for his health.  I understand the lack of immune system he currently has.  I acknowledge the hospitals know what they are doing.  But today, I just want to hold him.  All day long. 

(Written nov 28)